Congratulations! You’ve brought home a new author and you’re looking forward to going on an exciting journey with them. However, authors need to be treated with care if they are going to give you years of loyal storytelling. Before you begin, here are some important things you should know.

Diet

Authors need a regular supply of chocolate, tea or coffee and, if they write fantasy, baked rainbow goods, in order to keep their creative imaginations running. An author will struggle to feed themselves since they don’t make a living wage, so if you find one wandering in the wild, do your best to keep them fed and hydrated. If their inspiration runs dry, one day you will find them at a writers festival sitting in the corner, a dried out husk. If that happens to you, administer coffee immediately, intravenously if need be.

Emotional Care

Sensitivity is an important trait in an author since it allows them to place themselves in the minds of their characters with empathy. They also have incredibly active imaginations. However, this combination renders them somewhat fragile and prone to over-thinking. If you have promised to write a review of their book, make sure you do so because otherwise they will imagine you hated it and will die a little each time they see you. If you don’t read their genre, feel free to say that, but don’t use a superior tone as this is akin to saying their life choice is ridiculous. And most important of all, never, ever compare their book to Twilight.

Respect your Author

Research shows that it takes 10,000 hours to achieve mastery of a skill. Your author has spent a long time learning to construct fiction. They have written some incredibly bad prose, survived the experience and lived to write better prose. They have mastered pace, dialogue, and characterisation, and may even know what a dangling modifier is. Unless you would say to a mathematician, “Yes, I expect I’ll  solve the Birch and Swinnerton-Dyer conjecture when I retire,” do NOT tell your author you will write books when you get around to it. And it would be wise not to question their authorial choices on the basis of your personal preferences. An author will include things in their book for a reason, but that reason is generally NOT because you have a personal dislike of cut scenes. It is more likely to be related to the plot and story. Strangely enough.

Don’t make them beg!

Aside from coffee, reviews are the lifeblood of the modern author. Since there is no regulation of the author industry, author farms have sprung up where authors are kept in dark cages and made to churn out book after book. This means there is a glut of books out there. As a result, your author may be struggling to get noticed. This can lead to depression, over-eating of rainbow cupcakes, and paranoia that they will fade away and eventually become completely invisible. If you do not want this to happen to your author, keep them happy. This can be easily and cheaply done through little treats such as a review on Amazon, asking your library to get their book in, or buying their book for every single person in your extended family as a Christmas gift*. However, do not make them beg for reviews. It takes up precious time when they could be writing another book for you.

A final word…

Follow the simple rules above and your author will live a long and happy life. Your support will make all the difference. If you care for your author they will give you many years of reading pleasure. But be wary. Some authors are known to bite. If you fail to care for your author, you may find they turn you into a character in their book. Then kill you.

Have a lovely day!

* Ok, not all of them are cheap….